I want to live

I close my eyes and sit upright. No matter how hot it is, the air entering through my nose carries a cool freshness. Breathe in, my stomach bulges out like someone is blowing a balloon. Breathe out, the muscles on my face loosen up and my body feels lighter. This goes on for maybe 5 seconds. I have been escorted to the past now; time has lost its meaning. An hour long conversation I had is reduced to a single instance. That moment, with whispers and vague imagery, is powerful enough to convince me of anything. Time and rationality continue to stay irrelevant for a while. A voice breaks free and calls out to me, it reminds me of why I have closed my eyes. The sensations of air mingling with by body return, although they had never left. 

I have no control over this switch inside my head. I don’t know where it will take me. It’s like the process of falling asleep- you never know the exact moment you slip into oblivion. But just like dreams, the switch takes me to a place that is inside my brain. That’s not where I want to live. I want to live in a world that makes more sense, which exists outside of me. Ironically, to do that, I have to shut myself to the outside world by closing my eyes and sitting upright. That way, I can study the switch, how it tricks me. It’s like listening to the same joke over and over. It might be funny the first time and maybe a couple more times in a few cases. But at some point, it stops having an influence on us, we become indifferent.  

As three-dimensional creatures, we live in two dimensions, but I want to exist in one. All I want is for you to see me when you look at me.