Looking at the disco ball

I turn on the disco ball. My entire room is painted with patterns that are constantly changing. While all this is happening, I’m laying on my bed, listening to some music I don’t remember, soaking in the colors right above the disco ball. But, I don’t feel good.

My neck starts to hurt; I think I’m twisting it too much to focus on that particular spot. But, I don’t listen to my body. I keep on staying in this position. Soon, my focus shifted to the inner world- I was lost in thought.

My thoughts took me to my childhood. They could only present me with a vague recollection of a few instances. I remembered feeling empathy when my friend had bruised his knee by falling on concrete. Could I make any conclusions about myself from the limited capacity of my memory? I don’t think so. It was years of joys, sorrows, and mundanity condensed to a single second. This is not the first time my thoughts have entered this territory. Some things could be the same. Another person is facing pain, but this time I’m the concrete and I remember feeling satisfied. That makes me think, what kind of person am I to the core? Or is there no “me”, but rather just an agent acting on uncontrollable thoughts mostly formed by uncontrollable situations?

The rhythm of the pattern above the disco ball teleports me outside of the inner world. Finally, I decide to lay on my bed in a way that is most comfortable to my neck. The patterns subject to my attention have changed now. Although not as majestic or colorful as the one before, it still manages to stimulate my existence. I just realized that I’m not obligated to focus on a particular spot. If something pains my neck, I can choose to be merciful towards it by shifting my attention to something else.

The same principle could be applied to the world inside my head. I could come up with any conclusion depending on where I look. Hence, I will choose to focus on the pattern that inflicts less pain on “me”, if there is such a thing.